I'm not angry at any particular group of people.
I'm not holding a grudge...
I am still raw, still bleeding a little bit every time people hate for things that simple kindness and rational consideration, respect and love should over come. Reasonable, kind people..Maybe we are all in hiding....kind of like me. Trying to heal long enough to put ourselves back into public and do something good. Or maybe it's just me...Whatever it is, it is...
I wrote this morning: I'm so done with our elected politicians, government officials spewing hatred, dividing the people with rhetoric. What ever happened to statesmanship, leadership and substance? Who are these people? I am certainly NOT proud to tell my kids that they represent us. They are failing. It seems as if we are sliding backwards into the dark ages again. Feudal societies based on false promises, premises and lack of general good will toward humanity. Do you think if you donate $ to the right cause that it absolves you of responsibility to humanity? You can put lipstick on a pig...but it's still a pig at the end of the day.
I occasionally lose my tolerance for inane conversation, conventions and actions people take about things that don't really matter...
My personal rule of seven invades the conversation... In my silence, my mind goes through my decision tree....will it affect me or anyone around me seven years from now... Life, death, dismemberment, marriage, birth etc....sigh...
Listening to people get upset about things like their eyebrows not being waxed correctly, diet coke vs. pepsi, italian or mexican tonight, the right colored shoes or that I didn't put my pencils in the correct order or straight enough become gratingly irritating and push me farther away keeping me distant and from wanting to engage with people. It is painful.
It makes me feel like I don't belong here...
Surface not substance....
I've always felt the need to help people...my entire life.
Maybe because I understand what it is to be hurt, to be alone, to feel pain, to not have a voice, to be hungry, to be happy to just breathe, wake from sleeping, not to bleed, to pull my self back up once again when all I want to do is sit quietly and not have people yelling at me or around me.
I travel....I seek....I go, I go often...My social bank is empty...from people who want me to either be something I'm not or fit into what they envision me to be....Some say I run from reality, but in fact, I am just trying to see what reality fits me best.
Why I like to be with people who just can look into my eyes and not want a thing but to see hope from the smile on my face, the sparkle in my eye...from one survivor to another...They are my gift of hope....I can give to them and them to me.... It is a mutually beneficial relationship. One that needs no words not money no pomp and circumstance only a heart, hope, humanity and love.....
I am better at playing pick up cricket in 125F in the desert with field workers from 3rd world countries around the globe...than I am sitting at a baseball game with kids complaining about not having the right shoes Prada or Adidas....
Sometimes I feel like I am so disconnected from my own kids because what is important to them is far from what is important to me. I feel like maybe if I just sit in silence from now on, they will ask my opinion when they want it. Whenever, I offer it, I just get the usual tween lip service. I'm tired, and it hurts... The little people who I love more than anything in this world have grown away from me...I don't understand video games, violent movies and have no desire to expose myself to it...I don't want to talk war, types of weapons, strategy, I can talk about puppies, animals but not about the importance of one type of shoe or nail polish for very long. (But I feel bad because, I wish I had a place to have a puppy, horse, garden) I try to involve all the kids in the neighborhood and play but there has come a point all they want to do is push my buttons...See how far they can go...I want them to be socially responsible individuals. It is a balancing act. I think they are pretty angry with me right now.
I'm not knocking wealth and all it brings...I have had the ability to do more than I had ever dreamed or hoped. $ provides the ability to do so many more things, always trying to expand and stretch both my and my kids minds.
But when you have been broken, kicked and beaten so many times, gotten up and watched others and tried to help them get something that we so obviously take for granted so much of the time...freedom, food, simple respect it is hard to digest how something so unimportant to some is so important to others.
Again I'm not judging just observing my feelings. I've been thinking long and hard about this for 10 years, toes traveling around the globe...trying to figure out what it is to be both me and free.
If I could just figure out how to make a living smiling and giving hope to our future in some way (children) I would be free....
I'm not holding a grudge...
I am still raw, still bleeding a little bit every time people hate for things that simple kindness and rational consideration, respect and love should over come. Reasonable, kind people..Maybe we are all in hiding....kind of like me. Trying to heal long enough to put ourselves back into public and do something good. Or maybe it's just me...Whatever it is, it is...
I wrote this morning: I'm so done with our elected politicians, government officials spewing hatred, dividing the people with rhetoric. What ever happened to statesmanship, leadership and substance? Who are these people? I am certainly NOT proud to tell my kids that they represent us. They are failing. It seems as if we are sliding backwards into the dark ages again. Feudal societies based on false promises, premises and lack of general good will toward humanity. Do you think if you donate $ to the right cause that it absolves you of responsibility to humanity? You can put lipstick on a pig...but it's still a pig at the end of the day.
I occasionally lose my tolerance for inane conversation, conventions and actions people take about things that don't really matter...
My personal rule of seven invades the conversation... In my silence, my mind goes through my decision tree....will it affect me or anyone around me seven years from now... Life, death, dismemberment, marriage, birth etc....sigh...
Listening to people get upset about things like their eyebrows not being waxed correctly, diet coke vs. pepsi, italian or mexican tonight, the right colored shoes or that I didn't put my pencils in the correct order or straight enough become gratingly irritating and push me farther away keeping me distant and from wanting to engage with people. It is painful.
It makes me feel like I don't belong here...
Surface not substance....
I've always felt the need to help people...my entire life.
Maybe because I understand what it is to be hurt, to be alone, to feel pain, to not have a voice, to be hungry, to be happy to just breathe, wake from sleeping, not to bleed, to pull my self back up once again when all I want to do is sit quietly and not have people yelling at me or around me.
I travel....I seek....I go, I go often...My social bank is empty...from people who want me to either be something I'm not or fit into what they envision me to be....Some say I run from reality, but in fact, I am just trying to see what reality fits me best.
Why I like to be with people who just can look into my eyes and not want a thing but to see hope from the smile on my face, the sparkle in my eye...from one survivor to another...They are my gift of hope....I can give to them and them to me.... It is a mutually beneficial relationship. One that needs no words not money no pomp and circumstance only a heart, hope, humanity and love.....
I am better at playing pick up cricket in 125F in the desert with field workers from 3rd world countries around the globe...than I am sitting at a baseball game with kids complaining about not having the right shoes Prada or Adidas....
Sometimes I feel like I am so disconnected from my own kids because what is important to them is far from what is important to me. I feel like maybe if I just sit in silence from now on, they will ask my opinion when they want it. Whenever, I offer it, I just get the usual tween lip service. I'm tired, and it hurts... The little people who I love more than anything in this world have grown away from me...I don't understand video games, violent movies and have no desire to expose myself to it...I don't want to talk war, types of weapons, strategy, I can talk about puppies, animals but not about the importance of one type of shoe or nail polish for very long. (But I feel bad because, I wish I had a place to have a puppy, horse, garden) I try to involve all the kids in the neighborhood and play but there has come a point all they want to do is push my buttons...See how far they can go...I want them to be socially responsible individuals. It is a balancing act. I think they are pretty angry with me right now.
I'm not knocking wealth and all it brings...I have had the ability to do more than I had ever dreamed or hoped. $ provides the ability to do so many more things, always trying to expand and stretch both my and my kids minds.
But when you have been broken, kicked and beaten so many times, gotten up and watched others and tried to help them get something that we so obviously take for granted so much of the time...freedom, food, simple respect it is hard to digest how something so unimportant to some is so important to others.
Again I'm not judging just observing my feelings. I've been thinking long and hard about this for 10 years, toes traveling around the globe...trying to figure out what it is to be both me and free.
If I could just figure out how to make a living smiling and giving hope to our future in some way (children) I would be free....
3 comments:
I try to remember that those folks don't share my perspective on survival priorities - interesting vs. important - because they haven't had the same experiences I've had. And I try to be grateful on their behalf that they don't share my perspective. Sometimes remembering that even helps me to not get too pissed off at the petty bullshit, helps keep me from snapping. Your mileage may vary ;-)
Thanks for your comment. I am completely in agreement with your feelings. However, I never really get pissed, angry or snap at anyone other than me...I get frustrated with myself (not others) and then seek out a retreat further into my world of introspective quietness.... I find that even if we could gauge the cumulative mileage and think we may have the same mileage it is really about the perception of those miles and how you choose to continue on your path in the future. :D Happy to be alive another day to venture onto life's highway... Happy Friday Inkgrrl :-)
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