Saturday, February 18, 2012

For My IC: Long Overdue


I need to take the time to thank all of my amazing Inner Circle for all your unconditional love, support and understanding.

It has been an intense year.  Thank you for listening to my humming bird on crack techno-political babble at light warp speed. 

Even though most of you didn't understand a damn thing I was saying...You did something that many didn't...You listened.  That simple...

Completely even keeled through the  chaotic cacophony of my completely made for movie situation I had been placed in, your support never wavered.  You stayed by my side listening when all I could do was breathe, and be silent, isolate and try to plan every permutation, combination possible.... 

I especially need to thank a few people for their complete presence:

G~ (you listened and gave me amazing advice and a place to lay my head that was safe)

K:  Giving me style and a fabulous laugh.

R: (It's been an amazingly long road since 1997 we have been on...thank you for all you have done and continue to do...especially my fluffy white therapist that sits by my side quietly because he knows I need love, and I don't think they have discovered a barking translator yet so he keeps good secrets)

RC:  You put up with me cause your wife does...LOL :D

P:  As your adopted dweller, I can't even begin to thank you and the family for being my sounding board, my surrogate parents, my rock and my favorite place to be during passover...you mean the world to me....up to the sky into the stars...(for G)

The "socialites" with PUBLIC people:  I can't tag you but thank you.

W:  Thanks for talking me out of the tree
G&M:  For listening and connecting me to wonderful people.


and the rest of the unmentionable crew.

First and foremost I need to thank: JG for holding my hand through all of this.  For letting the truth prevail, saving lives, money and giving me the right person to work with beyond a shadow of a doubt.  J, without you, I would either be road kill in the Jersey Flats, silent or who knows where....  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now the Trumpet of truth goes to M:  J, you positively picked the best person to write it... M, thank you for your time, persistence and amazing ability. Although I would have used much more strongly worded language.  You are amazing.  Thank you.

SG: We will not only survive, we will see, breath and rise with the Valkryies again.

WS, GC, JT.... Don't even know where to begin...


This is far from over, it is only the beginning....

I am one as you can see,

But close your eyes, go to sleep,

When you wake, surprise surprise,

It's not just one it's one plus three,

Because I am a starfish you see....

Cut my leg off and you'll find,

I will survive and be just fine.

Each and every one of you on my inner circle list have played a major role.  Not once did you EVER waiver.  This I will never forget.  I am like an elephant you see .....

Love to you all.....

I am thankful to be here for another day.

Friday, February 3, 2012

I Miss My Neighbors Pt 1


I havent been feeling very "wordy" or even like speaking in more than #140 characters this week.  

In leu of my usual banter, I thought perhaps I would post some interesting pictures from Susan's World.










Enjoy and embrace the diversity of this world....It is an amazing place and I havent even seen a fraction of it... More to follow....

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The beginning of change NYC to Guam 2 Jan 09

The beginning of change NYC to Guam

When I hit the ground from NYC on 2 January 09 after flying the kids back I entered my empty house and sat down and cried.

It was a very lonely place with out my tropical monkeys to keep me company.

I went to bed, woke up the next morning and sat back strategizing on how I could possibly get my entire house packed into 2 shipments to the U.A.E. and NYC and the yard sale stuff by the 15th of January.

Then the knock at my window came.  I went out and it was my friend J.

He had been begging me to do this great ocean swim to a cave for as long as I could remember. Until now, I could never go at lunch because I only had a half hour. The kids (who are amazing swimmers & snorkelers) could not have made the swim.

I grabbed my tennis shoes and goggles, put on my bikini, jumped into J's island boonie beater truck and headed to a hidden beach.

The waters were very (understatement) rough. (I knew there was a tropical storm headed in..even on an average day this isn't something exactly most "normal" people would ever do) We threw caution to the wind, (calculated risk...he did the math, crazy submariner nuke nutter) and set out to swim past the reef into the place where you can not see the bottom (pretty creepy but beautiful) into the Philippine Sea.  Out and around the tip of a tremendous rock to a place not many will ever see.

Behold the giant cave (GET THIS) WITH a rope swing in it. (Que Pirate music (Japanese Pirate Music...Nah...ok thats a stretch)) The trick to get to the swing was timing & climbing. There's also the small matter of the intake to small cave to the left. If you got caught in the wrong current you would get pulled into and stuck in the small cave getting smashed against the coral. (YoHoHo and a bottle of rum LOL good thing I don't drink rum)

J gave me explicit instructions on how to catch the current at the right time and my foot positioning once I got the spot in the cave to climb up.

Thank you J.

On a normal day I would have laughed at this as an easy challenge but still been cautious.  Today the waves were enormous. It was fabulous, freaking surfing without a surf board.

The only time I think I ever remember such a strong current (until last recently, before another hurricane on another coast) was when I was a white water rafting guide in college...After rafting ended, we used have the guy who drove the truck drop our kayaks w/ boogie boards bungied on top downstream.




Walk down the trail, stand on the rail and jump off a bridge (trying not to get busted) into the river, ride the current to our kayaks get to the rapids, to take boogie boards and go into the rapids and surf and crash..until it was almost dusk.  Then kayak the rest of the way back to the campground and sleep till the next day...Rinse, repeat...LOL At any rate....The cave...

J went in for the first go at the rock and I watched…He missed….He went in for another go when the lull came it.. He made it! RAWR Success!

So out of the safety of my floating in the open Philippine Sea I patiently waited for a lull and then went for it….getting bashed by waves and currents all the way…(I've been swimming, surfing, in the water my entire life, this was a challenge) I swam in, missed the pull into the small cave (whew) and made it to the face. Got my feet on the rock and went to pull up higher to climb onto the first ledge and a huge wave came in and pummeled me against the coral face.

I only cut my hands, elbow and knees in a couple of places so no big deal. But boy was I tired from the fight with the currents.  I might be a "little touched" according to some, but not full blown stupid.  So instead of going back in straight away, I swam back out into the open sea and rested for about 10 minutes.

I really love just hanging out looking at all the beauty and silence (well the roar of the surf but thats music to my ears) So I floated on my tummy and looked at fish (the beautiful fish...man do I miss that place) Thinking I am all alone in the sea...I spy the spear fishermen who appeared below my feet LOL!

One pops up next to me, and I say "Haifa"! How’s the fishing? It was really quite funny to have a conversation with a few guys with spears in the middle of the sea while I was hanging out with my tennis shoes on and bikini and goggles LOL….Neptune was watching out for me that day.

I waited for a lull in the waves (not much of a lull with the oncoming storm) and went at it full force.  Gave it everything I had.  Got into the flow, felt out the pull, drew down and kept out of the pull into the small cave and finally caught my feet on the rock. Another HUGE wave was coming in, I could feel it tugging at me, the pull out waiting for it to come in….I climbed faster than I have ever climbed the face of any rock in Utah, Idaho, California, Wyoming, Oregon, Washington... anywhere.

I made it up to the first ledge by the skin of my teeth, just before the wave hit. It was inching at me...teasing me...baiting me to draw me back into the sea. It actually came up to the first ledge and almost got me.

Thank you J for being so patient with me.  J threw his arm down from the second ledge just in time to give me my three points of contact on the face to fend off the wave and use the leverage of the force to propel my body up instead of out.  (Thank G_D for strong MAN arms)

So the waves were coming in harder, inching higher and higher. We kept climbing higher into this amazingly beautiful coral cave. Finally, at the top, I rested.  Laying back taking all of it in. Soaking in the peacefulness. It was amazing.  Looking at the washed up creatures in the pools of water.

J the manly adrenaline junkie wasted no time and just had to swing off the rope!  So I was lucky to just hang and observe.

The rope swing was an entirely different challenge.  I'm not afraid of heights, swinging, gravity or kerplunking into the open ocean.  That is the fun part.  Its the particular nature of the swing on this very blustery day that has me kerfluxed.

Instructions and observations after watching J's first swing: Keeping mental notes in my mind: HUGE jump to swing body way out,  but at same arching lower back and rotating hips swinging legs at same time to position body weight to keep force ensuring you curve around to the left. WAY Important: If you want to miss the big *ss piece of coral on the right and then get pulled into the smaller cave.

Being pummeled with coral and low probability of getting your somewhat sane (minutely bleeding body) out of here alive and floating over to the Philipines during a tropical storm...wasn't on my agenda if I could help it.

So crazy man J goes up to the very top of the cave, flings his big ole manly dude body into the air and makes it. So amazing, breathtaking really.

I however am still resting.  Realizing that after all of this....I have to have enough energy to swim all the way back to Tipalo beach where our towels are (like another hour swim at least in these waves LOL) (This of course is less than 12 hours after I got off of a 33 hour flight from NYC LOL)!

J climbs and swings 3 more times. The spear fisherman out in the distance are watching and I’m quite sure thinking we are lunatics. I get my energy back and am done looking at the beautiful blue starfish and small fish in the tidal pool and tell J I am ready to swing.

He once again patiently gives me instructions on how to swing out and around… I push my hardest off the rock and WWWOOOOOHOOOOOO what a blast! Hit the water and have my usual happy kid smile on!

We swim back through the strong currents to the beach slowly going down and holding our breath trying to be spear fishermen without spears LOL…enjoying the waves, the water, the sun, the fish and a great experience with a wonderful friend.

Thank you J, I am so happy we finally got to do that swim. Unfortunately due to my ear we weren't able to do it again before I left.  But someday I hope we make that swim again.  Perhaps not right before a humoungous storm (I think we should go kite surfing next to gov Guam building instead LOL).  So many things left to see, taste and feel in this world....

So back to reality: we went back to my house and immediately both of my neighbor friends saw my arrival popped into my driveway carport, M and L giving me a firm but nice scolding telling me it was time to get down to business and off we all went  into sort out my house….


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Love....The World...Love The Child...They Are "OUR" Future


“If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred.”
― Krishna Dharma

Monday, January 23, 2012

新年快乐 Happy Chinese New Year 2012! Enter The Year Of The Dragon!....

I make it a point to incorporate many different "celebrations" into my life.  It's a part of Susan's Personal Nomadic Global Social Exploration Project.  (Sounds really fancy right?  Well, it actually not...LOL But it certainly was fun adding some fluffification to something so positively simple).


Why?  Many different reasons but primarily:  I believe that with knowledge, patience and understanding the world petrie dish might actually learn to listen instead of react.  If we proactively listen maybe we will learn to behave better on the world stage than the local kindergartners. So in my little petrie dish, I strive to learn about cultures, celebrations and people to engage and understand them. Which produces the desired effect (in my little petrie world) Respect, Tolerance, Kindness and creates a common ground in which we can begin to engage and push a mutually beneficial agenda (with appropriately managed expectations) providing for our growth forward instead of stalling it.  


I know you want to say it....Go ahead...I'm coming to terms with my "HippieDom" LOL  If you must label it, to make yourself feel better, please go ahead.


What in the world does this have to do with Chinese New Years Anyway?


One of the most important Chinese New Year customs (which I have failed miserably at for many years now to observe) is: 


Cleaning the house from top to bottom.  It is meant to clean all the "bad luck" that you gathered in the previous year. 

Quite frankly, I don't want ANY FORM of bad luck from my prior year (or all of my years) to carry into the New Year... My shoulders ache from the burden I've been carrying around.  I'd prefer a nice fresh start and a little yoga to stretch out those well worn and sore shoulders :D


So in Susan's petrie dish: Cleaning house means I've been going through hard disks, multiple journals (AKA random scraps of paper, actual journals, electronic entries of randomness) I have been barfing out all around the globe in one fashion or another since around 1987...

Cleaning out my mental house, organizing it and trying to make sense of all of it...

I've cleaned, now I'm digesting....Interesting food for thought...

Always learning and stretching...It's going to be an interesting 15 days of Celebrating Chinese New Years Susan Style...

Virtual Vomit On Boarding...

Wishing peace for all.


Friday, January 6, 2012

Welcome Home Warriors: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

To the remnants of "the former home of the free & brave" ....

Mr. President & Elected Officials:

How could you POSSIBLY RAM through something as fundamentally important to our Country as the NDAA When YOU CANT even pass a BUDGET?

How COULD you POSSIBLY bring OUR Warriors home to YOU and OUR President SIGNING a bill that takes away the very basic FREEDOMS so many put their lives on the line for AND DIED for?!

How COULD YOU: Then propose some viscous rhetorical statement of how you are going to slice & dice the Defense Budget (Most likely so during your election you can say see I saved you $XXX, just like I said I would) pass the buck to "Leon & Marty"  (REALLY?!!! Honestly, do they call you Barry?)

Threaten benefits?  PLEASE!!!! It's not the benefits that are killing us!

This is like telling CIO's you need to cut 20 Blackberry's to save a total of 3k per year....  When you really should be looking at Long Haul Comms Contracts that can save you a few mil per year....

It is our completely MISMANAGED, CORRUPT Inefficient, ineffective, NON AGILE methodologies that are killing us....WASTE, ABUSE....GALORE:

There have been efforts by many trying to show, empower you how to responsibly reduce billions, but we have been silenced.

The final straw: NOT Warrior BENEFITS.... AND DON'T tell me you are doing a better job of supporting those who have come home...When we have lost more bodies to suicide than in battle...

UNACCEPTABLE

YES I AM YELLING!  I am SCREAMING AT THE TOP  OF MY BLONDE HEAD!

This is my country, My Constitution, MY FREEDOM and I CARE.

Sincerely,

Your invisible voter
(potentially detained in the near future)








Thursday, January 5, 2012

What it comes down to...

‎"Maybe that's what it all comes down to - love, not as a surge of passion (which is a big part of it)but as a choice to commit to someone, no matter what obstacles stand in the way. 


And maybe making that choice again & again each day, each year, says more about love than never having the choice to make at all." 


-Emily Griffin


Thanks to SEG for reminding me of this great quote.



Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The White Board

The answer to my dreams came in a most unexpected state.

Something I could not fathom, in any time or space.

At a time when most people would blink or fade away.

I stood, completely glued staring fate directly in the face.



I finally stopped asking how, why or when the calculations had been made.

The white board in my mind, on which I always contemplate,

This is often where you will find me constantly consumed,

From the outside you would think, Im only sitting silently,

Looking peaceful and in tune.  Or perhaps, just maybe I'm simply just staring across the room.


Occasionally I'll reach out, even pulling out the runes.

Certainly you will find me listening to my beautiful tunes.

Frantically searching for solutions while patiently wading through buffoons.


My White Board has finally become a giant blank slate.

How beautiful it is, glimmering in the light,

Clean but well worn, and happy with delight.

The plain and simple has finally become exactly what I like.


How, Why or When, something so wonderful landed at my feet.

Is no longer a question, not important for the journey but just a wonderful treat.

I've finally become so comfortable, that I think, perhaps tonight, I will finally sleep.

Waiting for that unexpected pleasure to drop in on my dreams.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2012: Its time...

I want to feel love



I want a to light a thermite burning fire



I want to feel the burn scorching the earth



I want to fufill all my dreams and desires



I want warrior man by my side



Not a man who flinches at potential pain, runs and hides



Are you willing to fight for me?



Are you willing to fight with me at your side?



Will You die for me?



Live and breathe for me?



Do you care for me?



Because if you don't then you should just leave now.





Because I believe its about time for some well deserved attention...





I really don't want anymore questions.  


I really don't feel the need to explain myself anymore.

If you don't have an answer, that's fine for someone else...





But while you just blinked, I spread my wings and flew away.....




Saturday, December 17, 2011

Thoughts on Freedom: 220 Later


220 years after the Bill of Rights was ratified, Congress passes the #NDAA bill ‘legalizing’ the indefinite detention of individuals. 

Everything else you have done in the past or will attempt to do in the future has become completely insignificant at this juncture as you have attempted to destroy our guaranteed rights!

The fundamental tenants of the American Constitution have been circumvented and dismissed by your attitude of politics over principle, corruption & complete lack of leadership.

You clearly communicated via your votes over the past week that the opinion of the American People who you are mandated to represent do NOT matter.

You clearly communicated via your votes over the past week that the Constitution on which you took your oath to protect on behalf of the American People is not important when considering your actions.

You have completely dismissed educated opinions of SME's (subject matter experts including the FBI, the engineers of the internet) who have advised you of the dangers, constitutional illegality of the #NDAA & #SOPA as well as #wethepeople you have not listened. You did not even so much as miss a beat with #NDAA.

Clearly the agenda which you drive is not one to protect #wethepeople or the Constitution. 

Your lack of accountability in matters: as #madoff #mfglobal #lightsquared #Solyndra among many other potentially exposing high-level internal corruption, incompetence, illegality, mismanagement, waste fraud and abuse has not been the focus.

Instead your priorities have been focused on prosecuting 6 stolen cows with drones, raw milk from an Amish Family in PA, and a hacker who attempted to deface Gene Simmons website. This is indicative of an agenda which is systemically flawed and misguided.


You have betrayed us, the Constitution and the American public. 


Sincerely, Susan


Thoughts On Freedom: NDAA


Been thinking about NDAA all week...
Why the NDAA petrifies me on so many levels.

First a question: Why they are so quick to almost unanimously and without the usual partisan politics pass this bill so quickly? 

Flying it through both House & Senate... 
They haven't even been able to pass a budget for 2 years. 
But they can cross party lines & throw my rights out the window in record time?

Something doesn't smell right....Not in the least.

The detention, denial of due process is so UN-American (full stop) it ignores the fundamental protections (thoughtfully deliberated over MANY revisions, letters etc)
granted by design of the US Constitution & Bill of Rights.

An Example:
  Susan visits <XXXX> City in<XXXX> State

The Police, DHS <insert various agency here>  (violating Posse Comitatus :  (before SOPA gets rid of it here's a primer:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posse_Comitatus_Act)

"think" she is <XXXX, with a completely unclear definition of what XXXX is...What is, is?> 

OR may have relationship or association with <XXXX>
  
So they "snatch" her up to assumably PROTECT YOU (see next post for whistleblower rant).

"They" don't allow her to make a phone call, retain counsel etc.
(deny her due process:The Fifth Amendment provides in part that
No person shall ... be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law)


Detain her (Deny Her Habeas Corpus  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Habeas_corpus),
for as long as they want, (she never has the opportunity to prove her innocence)
  She is denied due process, and essentially disappears.

There for as long they feel like it... That is barbaric, unjust and Un American. 

Regardless of if you are an American citizen or not. 
(This is what has set us apart on the International level for many years.)

If the suspect is not a US citizen deport to home country. 

On what grounds do we now stand on the international stage when hikers, corporate employees, international aid workers, your college age backpacking kids are snatched and imprisoned, they disappear?
Because they are suspected as "spy's" aka enemy combatants <insert that viscous XXXX here>....you, their parents, employers, NGO's argue for their release. The hikers in (Iran), the aid workers(various countries) were recovered.  

Until now.  

Please tell me, why would the KSA release a US citizen from their detention center when NOW you have detained their SUSPECTED citizen without any rights?

You will deny anyone who enters The US the same? Secret prisons for detention of ANYONE w/ out due process is WRONG!

So next time I travel, if I get picked up, thrown in "detention", potentially tortured (maybe raped, water boarded etc.) bcse I'm "suspect"of being a conscientious objector, spy, blonde, non believer, hiker, wrong religion etc it's OK for them to keep me detained?  Who will fight for me?

They will deny ME due process, a phone call, lawyer etc because that is what happens to their citizens in AMERICA when they come here! I have traveled to many places over the years.  Knowing that if I disappeared The US State Department had a good network and diplomatic relations to ensure I wouldn't just disappear and they would try to get out.
Where is that incentive the next time?

This is a complete atrocity on so many levels! This is not a solution this is a failure of statesmanship and society.

THIS is UN AMERICAN

Thoughts On Freedom: My Poor America

I believed in "you".
 
I fought for "you".
  I gave up everything for "you". 
I gave my heart. My soul.  Risked EVERYTHING, all I had. 
I STOOD firm for "you" when "you" called.
Yet "you" have turned "your" back on me.
More importantly on the collective "We" "The People". 
Where are the Statesman?
Where is "our" Representation?
"Your" actions speak louder than "your" words ever will.
"Your" words are from now on simply just that...
Empty meaningless words.
You have betrayed "me" and "we".

Sincerely, The Invisible Voter "Me"




Wednesday, September 7, 2011

System Reset: September 11th, 10 Years Later BSOD....Part 4

I'm not angry at any particular group of people.

I'm not holding a grudge...

I am still raw, still bleeding a little bit every time people hate for things that simple kindness and rational consideration, respect and love should over come.  Reasonable, kind people..Maybe we are all in hiding....kind of like me.  Trying to heal long enough to put ourselves back into public and do something good.  Or maybe it's just me...Whatever it is, it is...

I wrote this morning:  I'm so done with our elected politicians, government officials spewing hatred, dividing the people with rhetoric.  What ever happened to statesmanship, leadership and substance?  Who are these people?  I am certainly NOT proud to tell my kids that they represent us.  They are failing.  It seems as if we are sliding backwards into the dark ages again.  Feudal societies based on false promises, premises and lack of general good will toward humanity.  Do you think if you donate $ to the right cause that it absolves you of responsibility to humanity?  You can put lipstick on a pig...but it's still a pig at the end of the day.


I occasionally lose my tolerance for inane conversation, conventions and actions people take about things that don't really matter...

My personal rule of seven invades the conversation... In my silence, my mind goes through my decision tree....will it affect me or anyone around me seven years from now... Life, death, dismemberment, marriage, birth etc....sigh...

Listening to people get upset about things like their eyebrows not being waxed correctly, diet coke vs. pepsi, italian or mexican tonight, the right colored shoes or that I didn't put my pencils in the correct order or straight enough become gratingly irritating and push me farther away keeping me distant and from wanting to engage with people.  It is painful.

It makes me feel like I don't belong here...

Surface not substance....

I've always felt the need to help people...my entire life.

Maybe because I understand what it is to be hurt, to be alone, to feel pain, to not have a voice, to be hungry, to be happy to just breathe, wake from sleeping, not to bleed, to pull my self back up once again when all I want to do is sit quietly and not have people yelling at me or around me. 

I travel....I seek....I go, I go often...My social bank is empty...from people who want me to either be something I'm not or fit into what they envision me to be....Some say I run from reality, but in fact, I am just trying to see what reality fits me best. 

Why I like to be with people who just can look into my eyes and not want a thing but to see hope from the smile on my face, the sparkle in my eye...from one survivor to another...They are my gift of hope....I can give to them and them to me.... It is a mutually beneficial relationship.  One that needs no words not money no pomp and circumstance only a heart, hope, humanity and love.....

I am better at playing pick up cricket in 125F in the desert with field workers from 3rd world countries around the globe...than I am sitting at a baseball game with kids complaining about not having the right shoes Prada or Adidas....

Sometimes I feel like I am so disconnected from my own kids because what is important to them is far from what is important to me.  I feel like maybe if I just sit in silence from now on, they will ask my opinion when they want it.  Whenever, I offer it, I just get the usual tween lip service. I'm tired, and it hurts...  The little people who I love more than anything in this world have grown away from me...I don't understand video games, violent movies and have no desire to expose myself to it...I don't want to talk war, types of weapons, strategy, I can talk about puppies, animals but not about the importance of one type of shoe or nail polish for very long.   (But I feel bad because, I wish I had a place to have a puppy, horse, garden) I try to involve all the kids in the neighborhood and play but there has come a point all they want to do is push my buttons...See how far they can go...I want them to be socially responsible individuals.  It is a balancing act.  I think they are pretty angry with me right now. 

I'm not knocking wealth and all it brings...I have had the ability to do more than I had ever dreamed or hoped.  $ provides the ability to do so many more things, always trying to expand and stretch both my and my kids minds.

But when you have been broken, kicked and beaten so many times, gotten up and watched others and tried to help them get something that we so obviously take for granted so much of the time...freedom, food, simple respect it is hard to digest how something so unimportant to some is so important to others.

Again I'm not judging just observing my feelings.  I've been thinking long and hard about this for 10 years, toes traveling around the globe...trying to figure out what it is to be both me and free.

If I could just figure out how to make a living smiling and giving hope to our future in some way (children) I would be free....



Tuesday, September 6, 2011

System Reset: September 11th, 10 years later Part 3.

So what do you do?  After painfully watching each movement of the clock tick......breathe... tock...for the first time in your life you are helpless...not able to go in and pull him and your friends out....waiting to see if your 9 month old twins have a father....your friends are still alive?...Your world is shattered into a billion pieces...with no safe harbor in sight.

do you cave? do you cry? do you bury yourself in day to day life...fearful, waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I knew for years something was going to happen...it was in the back of my mind always.  But that is another story.

Well I did the opposite, drove on....I decided If I don't stand up and live (regardless of who is at fault) then would I would rot away and get hit by a cab never choosing to live again...how...pathetic....how just wrong...how boring...that was not who I was meant to be.

So I stood up, threw my shoulders back once again and flipped the terrorist world the proverbial middle finger:

Got on a plane with the kids on a planned vacation a few weeks after. Went to DC during the anthrax scare to visit friends.

Pushed my limits on what I believed: hired a Turkish, Muslim au pair (didn't work out, not because of her religion for other reasons) to show that it is only the loudest 1% of EVERY religion, political groups etc. that get's the major news media to cover them simply because sensationalism sells.


Sold the house, moved back into NYC across the street from the WTC center after clean up so my kids could see their dad while growing up...50k less jobs in lower Manhattan w/ 2 towers gone made his commute go from a little over 1 hour to over 2....when you work from 5 am to 9pm...not much time for anything else.

Got a beautiful apartment on the 6th floor knowing the NYFD ladder companies go up 8 floors in Manhattan. But just in case they were busy else where had the windows prepared to pop out with two twists of a screw driver..emergency back pack, exit strategy, 5 point harnesses to hook the kids to me and repel in my harness and out of my 6th floor window to safety.

Sent my husband to work with a chem-bio suit a few rolls of duct tape and thick mil plastic sheeting, MRE's....

Positively crazy to some....risk reduction in my mind. But what I hadn't realized was.....

I'm not super woman....The PTSD decided to rear it's ugly head to raw, too close, too real once again, too much previous trauma bubbling to the surface ...

So I pushed harder: took the kids on the subway, central park, museums, I wanted them to live, breath and see everything the world has to offer....Choosing LIFE...

The loud sounds made me cringe....throw myself over their stroller hit the ground...look for every exit, egress point of cover in a room...scanning, watching, sensing everything....I'd try to calm myself and tell myself that all was ok. The noise, the lights, the sirens, the overwhelming desire to protect was exhausting....wondering if the mounted police were ok.... Needed anything...surely if I was feeling it...they must really be screwed tight.

I started to spiral into exhaustion...If this was living (which is what I thought it was)..constantly in battle mode, hyper aware,vigilance completely trying to protect the most precious things I had to give to this world....I became a hermit in a sense...in my own head...Not knowing how to help, fight or not be crying after every siren sound...hoping that everyone was going to be alright.

Trying to keep my brain from exploding...when the kids safely went to sleep....trying to sleep period not sleeping for more than a few hours, waking with vivid recollections of the past, night terrors and dreams re living the present...all the permutations, combinations...What am I missing...I must be missing something....feverishly trying to solve the puzzle.... and then somewhere around then....

I must have popped...I don't remember many things during that time....I'm pretty sure my brain must have just put itself into waking sleep mode....I try to remember...sometimes when I'm reminded it's too painful and makes me feel worse.

Every Christmas I still think of all the kids who lost parents, spouses, parents who lost kids....I still worry and feel sad for them...

I think one of the best things I did post 9-11 was to get rid of my television. At least I knew that was huge trigger in my head. I still can't look at a picture of the towers, walk through the subway station down there, feeling like the lost souls in the buildings I failed them some how....I feel their presence, pain and my anguish knocks me down to a blubbering woman who can barely breathe....the tears flow and I can't stop them...

I avoid looking at the site..Some say face your sorrow, fears etc...I am fabulous at looking fear straight in the face doing damage control, and getting it all on track, doing triage for chaos...but what I have learned about myself is that my heart aches forever....and I'm still not ready 10 years later....